Let’s celebrate being whoever you are, where you’re at

As we edge closer to the finish line of 2021, our reflections can have a comparative flavour. We hold ourselves up to the version of who we were this time last year, and we come to some conclusions. Sometimes these conclusions morph into new year’s resolutions. That old chestnut!

Here’s my hot take: it’s not particularly helpful to go there, friend. Not when you’re in a place of illness, not when you’re in a creative field, not when you’re looking at the length or the heft of your body. When we place ourselves, or are placed, in a position where we don’t feel good enough, it stings. So why do we do this? 

Society has an ingrained value system that gets stronger the more we participate in it. We’re measured as babies to see where we sit on a chart compared to the majority. We receive (or don’t receive) decorative ribbons that are pined to our chests as children, so everyone knows where we fit in the hierarchy of fastest, smartest, best.

When I worked as a celebrant, one initial meeting with a couple stood out. It changed my professional practices, as well as the shape of my thoughts. After all the regular chit chat and sussing each other out, things took a turn. One of the people stared me in the eye and asked why they should choose me over every other celebrant available to them.

My monkey brain’s inferiority complex insisted that I tell them I’m clever, special and perfect (in more elegant phrasing) in order to get the job. The correct answer to this question would have been, ‘I’m no more special than anyone else, so you can book me or not. I’ve shown you who I am, and now you’ve shown me who you are.’ 

I didn’t get the job, and felt pretty humiliated by the experience. I didn’t want to feel like that, so I never fought for a gig again. And from that day on, I was never short of gigs. I knew my worth.

Some of my reaction to comparison comes from a history of accepting medical gaslighting - of not being able to exist in the place on the chart I am perceived to be suited to. My body, connective tissue and nervous system are not consistent with the majority. It took a long time to understand how harmful comparing myself to ‘the norm’ was, and what a strain it put on my disabled body and anxious mind.

Nowadays I start every morning by putting on some snazzy, extremely comfortable shiny gold sneakers and walking around the block. After I move my body a bit, it warms up and I can tune in to what I need to do with it that day. Do I need more rest? Is everything a bit tight and would some gentle stretching and rubbing tiger balm into the sore parts be a good idea? Do I feel rested and ready to tackle some trickier things in the morning, with some rest scheduled between tasks to sustain me for longer.

It’s quite bushy where I live, and I observe the surrounding flora, sometimes noticing massive overnight changes like wildflowers blooming, or someone having mowed their nature strip. I pause and notice that I’m very tall compared to grass, I’m around the same height as some stalks of wheat and the trees tower over me. Where I am in this height hierarchy doesn’t matter one bit and has little relevance to anything else I’m engaging in.

If I compare myself to who I was when I first got sick, I know that I’m now equipped to be caring and loving toward myself, as well as being able to spot harmful narratives and not allowing them to touch me. It took a lot of trial and error to get there.

There’s a lot of talk about what we’ve been through as a global community – the stress and the toll taken as a result of COVID-19 – but even when there isn’t the pinch of pressure, can’t we all just be the winner of the ‘being whoever you are, where you’re at’ competition? I was recently voted the winner of the being Jasper Peach competition, and I’m very proud to receive this trophy from myself. Not too shabby, and quite a significant moment to stop and recognise what this means.

Pat yourself on the back, literally or metaphorically, and take some time to celebrate the wonderful individual you are. Someone worth love, compassion and respect – from yourself and others.

Catch you next year, Hireup readers.